looking through a glass onion

I am not sure how much sense this makes, I am slightly scatter brained. I finally watched the dvd. I wasn't sure how long I would take to watch it either, but luckily there were less tears and more telling Jeremy about different events from when the pictures were taken. Considering I've cried myself to school the past two days, and refused to wear makeup for fear of looking like a raccoon I think missing her but reminiscing about my childhood is a huge step forward. Much better than crying myself to sleep and constantly being upset because it feels like my best friend was taken away.

But I have come to one conclusion, saying "my grandmother died" doesn't fully express the pain and sorrow caused by this. My aunt put something up saying her "mother-in-law" died, but honestly she thought of Nanny as much more than a mother-in-law, so by saying that word too it is also an understatement of the situation. I feel like telling people "yeah she was technically my grandmother, but imagine someone taking your mother, grandmother, and best friend at the same time" cause other than my own mother, she was my mother. My aunt looked at me at one point and said "she was my mother too" and truthfully she was, I can't imagine a better mother-in-law/daughter-in-law situation in my life, I wish Nanny could be my mother-in-law too. I honestly can't imagine what my uncle and mother feel right now, and I wish I would never have to feel that...but one day I will too. Nanny was honestly the best person in the universe, if I were to write the "Most Unforgettable Character" column in Reader's Digest I would write about her. Every memory I have of her growing up revolves around watching soap operas with her after work, listening to her play piano, her gardening, playing with us/refereeing our battles, shopping, talking, and everything else in the world she did with me and the other three grandchildren. Happiness occurred and still occurs at Nanny and Pop's house, I never feel more content than I do sitting on the couch watching TV or hanging out with the family. When we are there life just feels right.

I don't ever think this will totally sink in. I know I can't call her, but I know what she would say if I did, and I can always call Pop{which always makes me just as happy as talking to Nanny}. I think I will always wait for her to walk back into the house, because all weekend it felt like she would. You never know exactly how much you love someone until they are gone, I thought that I loved my family a lot before, but apparently I love these people a lot more than that because I have never felt such shock and pain, or been as hysterical as I was when my mother called me Saturday. But I am so glad we didn't have a funeral, I thought my parents were nuts for wanting to be cremated and have a memorial party, but Nanny was a happy woman and anything other than visiting with family and talking about all the good times, not to mention to joking around with her brothers, would not have been symbolic of her life. Her life was filled with crazy brothers, and sister she was best friends with, kids and a husband who loved her, and grandkids who idolized her. If it wasn't for her and Pop none of us would be who we are and where were are today. I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world to be apart of this family.

And before you thought there would be no pictures, here are pics from the weekend before my Mom's birthday. I am so glad I went home when I did because I got to go line dancing and listen to Pop play music with Nanny, my Mom, and my cousin. Plus we went shopping, which is always fun, and bought Mom a ice cream maker...which makes the best ice cream ever.

It is really hard to be sad looking at these, I have so much fun hanging out with Nanny and Mom.



If you look close in the video it pans over to Nanny dancing while Pop is playing music. I can't believe that was only a month ago. I love my Nanny;)

***and if you don't get the title, it is a Beatles song. And you'd have to know a ton of Beatles random facts to get it/read "The Walrus was Paul." Well that is my random Beatles-ish-y-fact-y-ness-thingy for the day.