This is ment to be straight satire, so don't get your nickers in a twist dear ones.
Now with that said, there was a lot not covered during premarital that I feel like should have. While topics focused mainly on spiritual things, money, some weird survey to see if we were compatible(which considering what I am about to say there is no way we passed that), and sex. Why sex was brought up is beyond me, as an engaged person sitting in a psychologists office at the church...sex was beyond awkward to discuss. We quite literally skipped that topic.
For one: How on earth did we never find out that Jeremy did not express the same love for McDonalds's as I do? I feel like that is important.
Counselor - "Do you enjoy the same drive-thru restaurants?"
Couple - "No."
Counselor - "Then I am afraid we can't go on with this marriage idea, please return your certificate."
Jeremy prefers Taco Bell and Sonic, and let's just be honest her for a second...Taco Bell doesn't have fries and Sonic's are only good on occasion. McDonald's is where it's at. This should have been a red flag, but in the haze of love called dating/engagement that topic was totally looked over. Now as a married couple one of us is always forced to get the short end of the
Two: Yup, we are still on food. At some point in the dating/engagement be sure to discuss food preferences. I for one, am nearly vegetarian. Meat is rarely on my radar and when it is I just want a huge ribeye. Other than that I lived on spinach, hummus, and whole wheat pita bread for the majority of my single years. Jeremy lived at Taco Bell and Cane's, and actually home cooked preferences include all things country cooking. Early in our marriage (not that we are that deep in either) there was a slight falling out in the middle of WalMart over whole wheat pasta. Now we've worked to a point where health food is prime, but if ever I leave meat out of the equation we are in serious trouble. Inevitability Jeremy gets three bites in and realizes those mushrooms aren't quite as meaty as, well, um...meat.
Ladies, fight this battle. It is the only thing that will keep you from getting newly married girl fat. We've all seen it, it isn't nice.
Third: An extra room for music equipment/guy junk is a necessity. Sound proof is a plus. If money permits for sound proofing I suggest you buy that before ever spending money on a ring upgrade or vacation. Especially when your husband has terrible hearing and what is not loud at all to him causes you to put in ear plugs. It also isn't cute. Picture this: a pretty girls apartment with all white everything that is country chic. Now picture this: Once day that pretty apartment is full of guitar equipment, cords, things that aren't white, and those heinous speakers. An extra room for someone to hide in is crucial to marital sanity. My grandmother once told me that since I was marrying a musician I should know this - never let him sell all of his equipment, 6 months later he will buy everything back...but much nicer.
Fourth: Granted in 2009 Downton Abby wasn't an issue. I highly suggest forgoing food and living off Ramen to afford the extra DVR recording capabilities. Everything airs on Sunday night. We can't have ridiculous shows about gold mining getting in the way of PBS. I do really push you to record it too, when I started watching it in 2011 I watched on my iPad, well PBS removes shows pretty fast, so don't depend on that to catch up on episodes.
Numero Five: Doggie co-sleeping. While you've slept with your weenie dog for years nothing will break that as quick as marrying a man over 6 feet tall, forcing him to sleep in an antique double bed (that his feet hang off the end of none the less), and getting a puppy. A puppy that will torment you in ways you never imagined. Jeremy only had to be peed on once by Maddie to end the years of sleeping together that Ellie and I took part in.
Side note: if you ever want to see if your husband really loves you allow him to surprise you with the worst puppy humanly imaginable and see if he doesn't get rid of it. After the drywall incident and the loss of a good 20 pair of flip flops it was a good old fashion Christmas miracle that Maddie didn't find a new home.
However I live in the "love me, love my dog" camp.
Sixth: Number five will cause you to get a dog bed....and a king size bed.
Siete: If you are the oldest child, and you marry the oldest child of another family...expect head butting to occur. There is a certain amount of power than oldest children experience and come to expect in life, anyone who doesn't comply hits a wall. Either get really good at manipulation or learn to pick your battles. Jeremy still doesn't fold towels the right way, but I got over it.
8: Couples who say they don't argue are lying their butts off. We have running banter between the two of us, it's my love language. I like to pick with people. Needless to say those couples who don't argue will look at you like you are carrying divorce papers in your purse at all times. Picking is okay, but resolve things before going to sleep. Otherwise it turns into a Mexican standoff and no one will be happy for days.
If you don't know how to argue properly you will find yourself in a hole when true turmoil comes your way. Flat out attacking was fine for those idiots in high school, but if you plan to stay together for more than an hour, play fair and stick to the disagreement at hand. You didn't really resolve jack if you bring up how he disliked your Mac & Cheese from 6 months ago.
Nine: Miranda Rights should be included in marriage vows. There should only be one premarital session, read each other your rights and end discussion there; because that Mac & Cheese you made with whole wheat pasta in 2008 will come back to haunt you every time you touch a box of the whole wheat variety.
Tenth: Marriage sucks sometimes. Everything sucks sometimes too. No one has the same experience, so never compare your marriage to someone else's. Marriage is like an onion, there are a lot of layers and while the outside may look great the inside may be totally rotten.
