Let me preface this with this...after hearing what Lisa Leonard spoke on at Blissdom, I want to blog what I feel and not appologize for it. If I can say what I feel, then what is the point of this whole online journal of mine.
Lately I've hit that point where more IRL people read my URL. It's weird to say the least. For years I've blogged openly, but never really told people I knew that I was blogging. People look at it weird. Yes, I admit, it is weird to have tons of friends that you constatly talk to over Twitter and IG but have met very few in person. But it's a good writing release, I can get things off my chest and at the same time see that others have gone through, or are going through what I'm dealing with. In the most psych major way possible, it's like therapy to me.
On the same side of that, sometimes I think bloggers get me more than some IRL people. Sometimes it seems that bloggers know that everything shared isn't everything. There is more to me, more to my views, more to the relationship with my husband. Just because they aren't discussed on a daily basis doesn't mean they aren't a part of me. I don't share a lot of personal stuff every week, I do share...but not every single week.
For instance, the pending move/not move is weighing on me massively. This is the first year I've taught that I didn't move. I absolutely loved walking into a classroom I'd been in, a teaching environment I was familiar with, and lesson plans I had already written. It was a sense of ease that I hadn't experience before. Now with the potential move I could be anywhere teaching anything. I'm honestly fine either way, on a non-work level I would like the excitement of a different city. Especially a few of the ones we are looking into. Where we are is just too small town with not much to offer, but if we stay I'm fine with that too. I just know that where we are now is a "the world is my oyster" situation, so to not dream and think about living elsewhere seems kind of dull. When we walked into this situation 2 years ago I vividly recall standing in the kitchen with Jeremy and him placing his whole graduate school decision on me and saying that if I didn't think I was up to it we wouldn't do it. I agreed, I know just how smart and determined he is and I didn't want to take a chance from him. At the same time, I wanted excitement, and no matter how miserable getting settled somewhere else is, it's new and exciting to some extent.
I really didn't think I'd be where I am now. I really saw late 20's as more of a settled down with kids thing. Jeremy always tells me I'm much more nostalgic than he is about the whole 5 year plan idea. I seriously had a 5 year plan though. Parts of where we are now were present in that plan, others not so much. I'm with him though, and that is the roller coaster ride I signed up for. The man saw me through grad school and now I'll support him through as well.
Honestly though, having a husband a year out of thirty is weird at times. Not for me necessarily, but the way people view him is weird to me. I see a man who came a long way and conquered a lot to get where he is, yes he is almost 30 and finishing school, but that is because he had zero support from anyone and had to do it alone. I laugh when people try to tell me things about a man I know so well. I laugh, because it is funny to me that other people think that things that are so normal for us are something to make a deal out of.
I don't know, it's just weird how people treat us like children...because we don't have any. When we've focused on our education and being settled before adding extras in, on purpose. Nothing with Jeremy surprises me, but that doesn't mean I'm not proud of him. I just don't gloat about it. The only person I care to know how I feel about Jeremy is Jeremy. The only people who actually would understand why I would be proud of him would be me, and maybe a few others who know what he came from. Guess the problem here is that I am not impressed with common occurrences because, well, I wouldn't expect any less of the man. I know what he is capable of, and his determination makes me look like the laziest human on earth.
So I guess what I'm saying here is that you don't hear me talk about him much, because I talk about him to him. I don't feel the need to yell it to the world, because I've whispered it to him.
Maybe it's just the situation we live in now. Where we live is vastly different from where we lived and grew up before. The things people judge you on are different, what they care about is so different. At least through it all I have a hubby who is on my side, and knows I am on his side as well.
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In the same way that I think people's view of Jeremy is so different from who I know, I see the same thing with me. I think what caused this is basically the fact that people where we are now only know the past 2 years of us, unlike our hometowns who look at either of us and see the real thing.
People here see me as brass and outspoken. Most see it as negative. They don't see what made me who I am, or just how toned down I've become. Granted I will speak my mind, I was raised to do so, but at the same time the Emily you get now isn't nearly as much as the Emily you would have seen at 20. I was a tough cookie at 20, heck I spent that year trying to hold my own and hold onto what I thought was mine. Over the years I've mellowed out a lot, a lot. I still have a lot of mellowing to do...but you can't expect perfection overnight. I assume that by the time I'm dead I will have worked out the last few kinks.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like giving people a taste of colleg Emily, just so they know what they're dealing with ha! I'm a work in progress, everyone else is too. Being home where people actually know me though, that has led to a nice feeling of normal that I haven't had in awhile.
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On the other hand I think I've devised a way to go to Blissdom next year. I want to focus on what I love doing and do my best to ignore the negative. I want to grow my little blog, and grow myself as a writer. I'd like to guest post more, tweet more, and take more pictures of food.
If you're still reading and you follow my blog through Reader, Bloglovin, Twitter, FB, or IG I really honestly thank you. If you read be sure to leave a comment letting know who you are, I'd love to visit your blog, or follow you on social media some how. It is so fun to connect with others, so let me know who you are:)
On the other hand, are there any topics you'd like to see me blog about? Or questoins you have?
